TDPI Review: 'Three Zones and a Baby'

In which the teams have changed, children are endangered and the Chris/Topher pairing is finally sunk.

SARCASTIC SUMMARY

We open this episode with some girl-talk between Jasmine 2 and Sky on Team Nemo. Sky is missing Dave, but Jasmine 2 insists that you have to look out for yourself and can't trust boys on the other team, because they'll betray you and hit you with Q-Tips during challenges and talk about nothing but zombies and wear stupid ski caps and NO SHE IS NOT PROJECTING HER OWN PERSONAL PROBLEMS SHUT UP YOU'RE STUPID. We also get some guy-talk between Shawn and Dave, in which it becomes clear that neither of them understands either their girlfriends or the females in general. Also, Sugar trying to bond with Max while he insults her. Do I ship this? Maybe. It would be amusingly dysfunctional.

Do you know what's another dysfunctional romance? Topher and Chris. Having failed to seduce the host for his own career goals, Topher is determined to get him fired and have himself installed as host. Too bad Blaineley is next in line.

Challenge time! The island has been divided into three "danger zones," each of which require one to be as quiet as possible. Also, they have to carry babies. Like, actual babies. Real human ones. Through a obstacle course filled with lions, rattlesnakes and bears (oh my).

I knew Chris was up to something when he opened that employee daycare center.

Max quickly makes goo-goo faces with his baby while Sugar watches him and giggles. No, really—imagine these two raising a child together. Best horrible pairing ever.

The first zone is filled with sleeping lions and rattlesnakes. Team Nemo takes a slight lead, and Jasmine 2 wants to wake up the animals as they pass so that Team Yogi (and their helpless babies) will be in danger. Sky reluctantly agrees, but then saves Dave when he's being bitten by a snake. Topher is a f*ck-up and wakes the lions with Chris' cell phone, but Scarlett scares them off. Max is also a f*ck-up, but he and the other Yogis are saved by Shawn, who has to double back after getting ahead of the Nemoes and striking out (again) with Jasmine 2.

Fortunately for them, Team Nemo runs into trouble in the second zone, thanks to the appearance of Scuba Bling Pasta Bear. Team Yogi catches up and takes the lead, until Dave saves Sky from a booby trap and she throws it back in his face. Literally. (Well, not literally-literally: it lands at his feet.) She immediately feels bad about it, and she should. Bitch move, Sky. Bitch move. When Max is beset by the bear, Sugar saves him by punching it, proving not only the validity of my crackship, but that her stupidity and nastiness is matched only by her ability to be suddenly useful in a pinch.

The third zone is a snow level with a threat of avalanches. Contestants are required to turn in their babies, because reality ensued and hey, the mid-level pencil-pusher who orders Chris' hair gel is a little upset about the danger you've put her kid in. Max has a hard time parting from Little Adolf, and even tries turning in a fake baby instead. Meanwhile, Dave has gone completely catatonic and wants to die because some girl doesn't like him or something. Shawn points out that hey, that's really stupid, and while Shawn doesn't exactly have the best track record with romance Dave decides to (pretend to) man up and win the challenge to impress Sky. By which I mean Shawn and Sugar carry him.

Dude, I know you got bit by a snake earlier, but still, Sugar is more useful than you right now. Just sayin'.

Topher gets a call from Chris and it's obvious a Total Drama executive telling him that they're going to let him take over the show. He cheers so loudly that he causes an avalanche, and Team Yogi wins. When the elimination ceremony comes he's not worried, but SHOCKING TWIST!, obviously-Chris was actually Chris, who recognized in Topher a heart as dark and depraved as his own. (Well, not really, but he's still kind of a jackass.) He blasts Topher out of a cannon, finally bringing an end to their self-destructive romance.

LEGITIMATE THOUGHTS

I was never that into Topher's subplot, but as someone else pointed out, it kind of would have been fun if he did get to run an episode and Chris had to take the show back or something. Oh, well.

That Sugar/Max thing was just supposed to be one joke, but as I rewatched the episode I kept finding bits and pieces of evidence for it. I may be shipping this. What would this be, "Sugax?" "Sax?" "Sux?" I kind of want it to be "Sux." Not really, but kind of. We see a softer side of Max here, and I wonder what this supposed to say about his characterization. His "villainy" is so cartoonish that I wonder if it's kind of act. Also, while I like the Scarlett/Max partnership, I've been a little disappointed that they rarely seem to interact with anyone but each other; seeing a bit of that here was a nice change.

Shawn is useful this episode. Dave...well, I'll have things to say about him next review. For now, I'll point to Sky and her issues. Jasmine's anger since "Blast from the Past" seems a bit extreme, but at least she has a reason to be bitter; Sky throwing the booby trap at Dave was just kind of nasty. Cross-team romance aren't really a new thing on this show, so she could have stood up for herself and told Jasmine that she can have a competitive rivalry with Dave while still having a relationship with him. But then, she doesn't want to be in a relationship with Dave, except that she obviously does, and why are they stretching this out so long and GAH the point is, Dave/Sky is kind of a mess. Like I said, I'll have more to say in the next review.

There were babies. Seriously, I thought they were supposed to be dolls or something at first. This is...hilariously terrible.